I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize