today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
