if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Sober January is a disaster.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
