Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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