So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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