Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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