Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
