I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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