PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
