I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize