i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You ate ashes out of my bong
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
