do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
