I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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