I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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