Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
