I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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