whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
did i just pee glitter
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
