why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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