Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I believe in your delicious
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
