I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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