It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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