i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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