you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
