my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
