Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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