I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
