Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
