Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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