I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
