Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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