The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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