I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Randomize
