You don't have asthma, your pregnant
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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