i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
