woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize