somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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