fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
