call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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