My room smells like vodka and shame
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
