We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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