I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize