I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
