i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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