how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
