Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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