Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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