You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
