if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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