They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
