I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
