My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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