HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
