I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
