Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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