either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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