I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
