Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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