He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize