her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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