She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
