i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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