I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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