I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
