Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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