a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
