I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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