I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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